End of Days:

Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Gabriel Byrne, Kevin Polack, Robin Tuney and Rod Steiger. Rated MA.

IN 1979 a predicted configuration of planetary alignment announces the birth of a female child, fearfully awaited by theologians for a thousand years. This female child, stamped with a unique birthmark, is destined in turn to bare a child of her own. A child sired by Lucifer himself. A child who will herald the end of days.

Jericho (Schwarzenegger) is a suicidal ex cop, private bodyguard, caught in the middle of a case that takes a bit of figuring. The body being guarded (Byrne) is downtown stockbroker about to turn State's evidence. At least that was the case until the man downstairs makes a dramatic entrance and takes possession of the stockbroker's body.

On the way to court, under a massive blanket of close personal protection, the stockbroker comes under fire from a rooftop. Jericho cops a double-tap in the chest, saved by his body armour, and the chase is on. After a rather exciting and stunt-filled chase, the perp is eventually trapped in an abandoned underground rail tunnel. Before Jericho pops him in both kneecaps, this rather unlikely looking assassin (old and disheveled) pleads with Jericho that his ignorance and interference could spell disaster for the world.

Odd thing is, however, when the cops arrive to take the guy into custody, they discover he has no tongue and so could not have made any revelation to Jericho or anyone else. And the plot thickens - the perp is a priest AND the tongue removal was done by his own hand with a pair of garden sheers.

When Jericho finds the girl, now twenty, he discovers her in the throws of defending herself against a bunch of thugs hell bent (pun intended) on killing her. But even this act is not straightforward. The killers are considerate enough to administer the last rights before they send her soul to God. Turns out they are a band of renegade knights of Christ determined to kill the bride of Satan before he consummates his unholy marriage. But Jericho saves the day and the babe.

Without going into too much detail, suffice it to say that Arnie and Satan enter a ding-dong battle of good and evil and I'm sure you can guess who wins in the end.

That's the plot (spoiled or not) and here's what I thought of it ... not a lot.

I have rarely been so disappointed in a movie. I was looking forward to this movie from the first minute I saw the posters at the cinema. Unfortunately (or at least I thought so at the time) I missed it in the cinema and had to wait another six months for the video release. I was so looking forward to it that my disappointment was doubly compounded.

Basically it's just a Hollywood-formula action movie with nothing new or exciting about it save for a few good stunts. It's full of annoying detail glitches too, like the 40mm grenade launcher he uses -- but I'd swear the ammo he put in his belt was no bigger than 20mm. And Satan, the all powerful, turned out to be a bit of a wuss being defeated in battle by a suicidal, alcoholic, ex-cop bodyguard, even if it was Arnie.

Arnie's acting has not gotten any better with practice, but having said that, Gabriel Byrne put in a noteworthy performance as evil personified.